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This dawned on me about a year ago after my therapist invited me to show up for appointments "as Joyce.” This sounds simple enough on the surface, but what does it really mean anyway?

I actually am asking myself "what does it mean to be me?"

In no particular order, I started to consider various aspects of this question:

It's about how I dress, but it's not. I am no more or less a woman whether I wear bib jeans and work boots, a cocktail dress and heels, or something in between. I have been wearing women's jeans exclusively for years, and only one person claims to have noticed. My clothes do not define me, though they certainly play a part in how the rest of the world perceives me.

It's about how I speak, but it's not. I know many women who sound decidedly more masculine than I do; yet, they were born female. My voice and manner of speech do not define me, though they certainly play a part in how the rest of the world perceives me.

It's about my hair, but it's not. Thanks to alopecia, many women have less hair than I do; yet, no one would think them male. Testosterone stripped me of the beautiful locks I had almost to age twenty. Some say I look "distinguished," but presenting as male, I think I look "extinguished!” A quality wig is one solution, but consider women who shave their heads - they are still female, and perceived as such. Facial hair is another matter, of course, but that seems to be a "no-brainer" anyway. It is high on my list of things that give me away. Electrolysis is expensive and time consuming, but necessary. Still, my hair does not define me, yet it certainly plays a part in how the rest of the world perceives me.

It's about sex, but it's not. My sexual preferences have nothing to do with this. Jenny Boylan wrote, "It wasn't a question of who I wanted to go to bed with, but who I wanted to go to bed as.” I am still exclusively interested in women. It is about "parts," of course, but even those changes do not define me. My breasts are sometimes hard to hide, and no one on the street checks what is in my jeans. What is in my jeans is important to me, but this alone does not define me, and does not play a part in how the public perceives me.

It's about attitude, but it's not. Both genders exhibit a wide range of behaviours that overlap when we look at the overall population. A sister-in-law guessed I was transsexual simply because of basic clues such as the way I walk, the way I cross my legs, and other stereotypically feminine behaviours. I was simply being me, but betrayed my true self to someone who thought I was "simply" male. I have been read as female when presenting as male, and more often male when presenting as female. My attitude and behaviours do not define me, but often play a large part in how the rest of the world perceives me.

It is about the way I think and feel - the essence of it all that makes it necessary for me to adjust the outside to fit the inside. This is what makes me satisfied and comfortable to be me instead of a fabricated excuse for a male body with a female brain. Therefore, internally, this is really all about how I feel. Naturally, I want to be comfortable in my own skin. While this does not define me, it certainly plays a huge part in assuring I feel whole, which means a lot.

My writing here has been a form of thinking aloud, and led me to two general conclusions:

1. The surgery and hormones are mostly for me, about being comfortable with me.

2. The rest is about how I present myself to the world, and acceptance as the woman I have always been.

peace,

Joyce

Massachusetts is considering a bill to add (gender identity) and expression to the state's discrimination and hate crimes laws.  For what is considered to be "America's most liberal state" they sure are far behind.  Severl states and cities around the country already have protection for Transgender and Gender Queer folks on the books, including Colorado and New York City to name a few.  However, opposition to this bill is growing, and their arguments are getting wierder and wierder.

Opponents claim that the "Bathroom Bill", as they're now calling it, would "open women's bathrooms to sexual predators", yet this is not the first time that this argument has been brought to the table.  Here in New York City there was a huge controversy over the exact same issue in 2006 when a (70 year old Transgender woman was illegally arrested for using the women's restroom at Grand Central Station).  New York City law specifically forbids discrimination of people based on their gender identity, but that didn't stop naysayers fromping on the "perverts in the bathrooms" bandwagon.

Time and again these laws are put on the books, and low and behold the

This one will be more of a resource than a news article.

Back in February, I attended the 2009 Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Alley Conference. I like to call it the queer conference. Anyway, at the conference, I was exposed to what I call now the sex, gender, identity graph. It's bascially a way to explain, or I guess map out someone's sexuality and gender. It's more complex than the circles idea (which I don't completly get ... something about gender in the middle, and sexual orientation on the outside ?)

So let's start off talking about sex. Sex is between your legs. Sex is raw. Can I have a line, please ? With three points ? M, I/A, and F ?

Thank you. Now, let's nominate the left side, as male, the right side as female. And the middle, we'll just call intersex/ambigious. Because you either have male genetalia, or female genetalia, or you're intersexed. There's not much to argue about that. Well nominate this line the sex line, because »red is the color of sex, Charlie boy!« (Kinky Boots reference). More after the break

So, Monday morning, I woke up, and started my daily routine: Lean over, slience phone. Grab water, four tiny pills, and one outrageously large pill(I would really like my spiro be smaller ... but *shrugs*), dowm them, then reach for my iPod Touch, and browse twiter to see what's happening in the German news and see what's up in the LGBT community. And I noticed something about MtFs and Feminists. Having grown up in the world of men, I have more than enough reason to be a feminish myself, so I decided to check out the link.

How MTF Can Really Be Feminists « AROOO http://tinyurl.com/kwv9jb
TG World News Sun June 21st, 11pm-ish

At first, I was kinda offended by the post, because the author kept refering to female born individuals(didn't make make references to FtMs) as women, and male born individuals (including MtFs) as men. Reading through definetly sparked some emotions ... and ... I don't know ... I want to say sparked interesting concepts ... but I might not be going too far off on a limb to say she doesn't hold much respect for MtFs ... but it's quite interesting to see things from her perspective.

More after the break ...

This one today happens to come from my own twitter.

All my life, I have never bought anything from Abercrombie (or the other big ones), nor do I wear their clothing. Well, back then it was because everybody else was doing it, and I didn't care to do what everyone else was doing. Even though Abercrombie looked like a German word (it's not) it really wasn't that cool to have that across your chest. But, anyway, here's my tweet:

And you wonder why I have never bought anything from Abercrombie ? http://tinyurl.com/ntm3gl

eMacAddict 1:46pm

I first saw the article from Jezebel, Celebrity, Sex, Fashion for Women off a wonderful site called Feministing.com.

Bacially, a girl applied to work at Amercrombie. They took her picture, and gave her the Abercrombie handbook, that outlines their *entire* dress code. As she was working the floor, one of the store's employees noticed she had a prosthetic arm, and was made to then buy a cardigan to wear to cover it up. Then, another employee bombarded her to take off the cardigan, because it's not part of "the look." She insisted she was permission to wear it, and was told, by the manager, that she is breaking "the look" policy, and had to go to work in the storm room.

She called the Abercrombie headquarters, and they asked her if she would be comfortable working in the store room, until the winter uniform arrived. Hmm ... bad choice ?

More after the break ...